When you start to hope,
you are focusing again,
on the future.
Future that is mere speculation. So what are we actually doing is speculating...
To be grounded in reality
is what we believe we are doing
But we believe in our head to be reality
Isn't!
The beauty , the intelligence
in competence, the ugliness
the manipulation, the hatred
all al images of how we want ourselves to be
Sometimes our own photographs disappoint us
It's very different from what we see ourselves as ..
inour mind's eye but the point here also is,
a photograph cant capture the true essence of a person.
And i should know!
I look at a recent photograph
and see all that it didnt capture
the sadness in my eyes,
the pensiveness of the smile
the 'I can do this' and 'why am i here' in the raise of my brow.
It doesnt capture the freedom of my spirit.
It captures me in all my contriteness...
ok i know i kind of lost the message of this message somewhere along the line ... but there always a next time
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Hope!
Sometimes when we are blue, something small something abstract something unrelated can pick us up. Just today , some things were making me kind a blue. Work and the lack of it, the memach ogilvy - Peter Holt thing. and then the nagging pressure of shaadi.
Ok enough of bhuoomika building and to the point - these two clients fo mine , who i was meeting for lion's club brochure came to office. the woman would keep calling the man sweety , I felt happy seeing such a cute friendship , such openness in relationships. Now the guy is a banker i know but i didnt know what the woman did? I was sure they were not husband and wife as they had different surnames. and then the woman said something about her maiden name not being changed on her documents yet .. they were married and made such a cute pair . the guy was goan and the woman a punjabi. that what ia m looking for mabe that feeling of happiness, the feeling of being loved , cherished and respected which comes from the companionship... life looms large with so many questions.. questions i dont know the answers to .but like i was telling shilpa, what ever happens happens for the best.. and apart of me disagrees saying that i am just being well escapist in saying that. I just know that i am about to get lucky soon - and luck is when preparation meets opportunity. i am here. I am prepared , just waiting for the opportunity. On a different note, when we say - Lakhonmein ek ladka chahiye, and then wan to grab the first interesting fellow. it just goes to say that you want the best for you but are not willing to scan through a lakh of them to find that lakhon mein ek... well the profile stats say 3500 in 15 days and still counting so there is still hope that this year the lakh should be up.. ohh gosh here i go - rambling again.. anyways till next time this is Dreamcatcher.. till i see u next , live life Queensize!
Ok enough of bhuoomika building and to the point - these two clients fo mine , who i was meeting for lion's club brochure came to office. the woman would keep calling the man sweety , I felt happy seeing such a cute friendship , such openness in relationships. Now the guy is a banker i know but i didnt know what the woman did? I was sure they were not husband and wife as they had different surnames. and then the woman said something about her maiden name not being changed on her documents yet .. they were married and made such a cute pair . the guy was goan and the woman a punjabi. that what ia m looking for mabe that feeling of happiness, the feeling of being loved , cherished and respected which comes from the companionship... life looms large with so many questions.. questions i dont know the answers to .but like i was telling shilpa, what ever happens happens for the best.. and apart of me disagrees saying that i am just being well escapist in saying that. I just know that i am about to get lucky soon - and luck is when preparation meets opportunity. i am here. I am prepared , just waiting for the opportunity. On a different note, when we say - Lakhonmein ek ladka chahiye, and then wan to grab the first interesting fellow. it just goes to say that you want the best for you but are not willing to scan through a lakh of them to find that lakhon mein ek... well the profile stats say 3500 in 15 days and still counting so there is still hope that this year the lakh should be up.. ohh gosh here i go - rambling again.. anyways till next time this is Dreamcatcher.. till i see u next , live life Queensize!
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Reach out . . .
From the Depth of Lunacy
An atom of normalcy
In the sustained effort to smile
A tear is trapped inside
Clearing the cobwebs inside the mind
To find the purpose of life
Wishing… hoping… dreaming…
Not persevering …working… go getting..
Believing all the While that I have something unique without any effort to build up on the foundation nature provided me with…
Unconcerted effort resulting in an unmelodic symphony
Then from the depth of the shallow ocean
A fountain of coherence
Through the static white noise
A burst of relevance
In a series of steps leading no where,
From a single step
The distant seems near
Graspable and within reach
Nothing is faraway anymore
Somehow I have come to believe
Maybe it’s the trial & error existence
Impulsiveness that has found the Soul once more
The more you find yourself
The inner peace…
The strength to let go …
The quiet determination …
And seek no more
And suddenly the mind feels lighter
Like the boulder has gone
The world takes you in its arms
And peace fills your soul
And the next crossroads
You find someone
You didn’t expect to meet,
But knew you would someday
An atom of normalcy
In the sustained effort to smile
A tear is trapped inside
Clearing the cobwebs inside the mind
To find the purpose of life
Wishing… hoping… dreaming…
Not persevering …working… go getting..
Believing all the While that I have something unique without any effort to build up on the foundation nature provided me with…
Unconcerted effort resulting in an unmelodic symphony
Then from the depth of the shallow ocean
A fountain of coherence
Through the static white noise
A burst of relevance
In a series of steps leading no where,
From a single step
The distant seems near
Graspable and within reach
Nothing is faraway anymore
Somehow I have come to believe
Maybe it’s the trial & error existence
Impulsiveness that has found the Soul once more
The more you find yourself
The inner peace…
The strength to let go …
The quiet determination …
And seek no more
And suddenly the mind feels lighter
Like the boulder has gone
The world takes you in its arms
And peace fills your soul
And the next crossroads
You find someone
You didn’t expect to meet,
But knew you would someday
Window Shopping for a Husband
Imagine walking down the streets buck naked, trying to pretend everything is normal when everything inside you is crashing. That is exactly how I felt naked, dejected and extremely uncomfortable as I created a profile for myself on the popular Indian Matrimonial site Shaadi.com. I had always held the belief that a matrimonial or, for that matter, even a dating website was a place for losers. What kind of person could not even find love in the real world. I had never imagined I would figure in the statistics, that the site uses in its ads to describe its popularity. 26, in love and about to get engaged, life couldn't have looked rosier. But like Arthur Schopenhauer said, " Whatever fate befalls you, do not give way to great rejoicing or great lamentation... All things in life are full of change, and your fortunes may turn at any moment." And that is exactly what happened. But youth has its fallacies and mine was backing the wrong horse. After a week of constant parental pressure, there I was, window-shopping for eligible bachelors at Shaadi.com. Writing about myself, my long term goals, partner expectations and family background in 500 words felt like a betrayal of self. It made sense but the words had no soul. Reluctantly I uploaded an old passport photograph and was finally ready to check my options. When I think about it now, there are traces of Hindu mythology in the method I have resorted to find myself a groom. Princesses in the mythological times held something called a 'syamwar' or 'Groom for self ' All the princes belonging to a particular caste, falling in a particular age bracket, were invited to the princess' kingdom. They were given a difficult task to accomplish. Whosoever completed the task following the rules would be the groom. What the site required me to do was something similar, pick the age bracket, the caste I wanted him to belong to, specify the qualifications I wanted him to possess etcetera etcetera. Hell, I could even select the part of world I wanted him to be in. All this along with my interests, hobbies, choice of cuisines goes into my profile under the heading 'My shaadi'. Now I was all set to 'Partner Search'. Entering a few key words can open up a world of opportunity. My mom, sitting right besides me wanted me to look up all the engineers of my caste. As I predicted the match threw up all sorts of weirdoes, some of whom had even provided pictures of themselves. The profile I had slaved over, trying to make a good, honest impression on someone who managed to find my profile while browsing by, was either treated as a creative writing exercise or space for a matrimonial ad by them. A typical profile read - I am tall, fair, good looking, intelligent, caring and loving, Brahmin boy, well settled, working for an MNC in Bangalore. I am looking for a woman with traditional values who would like to share my ambitions and look after my aging mother. I wanted to scream," Boy, what you need is nurse maid not a wife. There was steam coming out of my ears, by the time we finished searching all the men of my caste. My mom was on a different trip altogether. The guy who looked the ugliest, couldn’t spell words like believe (belive) properly, were the ones she wanted to send an interest to.
To someone not acquainted with the way the whole arranged marriage thing works in India, firstly, you need to have an idea of the caste system is all about. Secondly ,the Indian culture.
Since time immemorial, the caste system divides the entire hindu community into 4 basic groups – The warriors or Kshatriya/Rajputs , the high preists- Brahmins , the traders – Baniyas and the untouchables – or shudras. The kings in the earlier days used to belong to the warrior caste and occupied the top position, till the priests made God and communication with god their sole property and switched to t he number 1 spot. And so over the years the fight between who is no.1 and who is no.2 hasn’t resulted in any concrete result. In these castes there are about 20 –25 subcastes , some divided on the basis of our forefathers vocation 20 – 25 years back – intercaste marriages Here is how it works. Using the keywords you wade through the mass of men who fit your criteria. If you check the box for photos, you are faced with a sea of mug shots to choose from. This is where first impressions count. Click on a slightly interesting photograph, read the profile, if you like what you see, check a little box at the bottom that asks you if you would like to send your 'interest' to the person. The person checks his/her email, see your name, check your profile, sees if you fit what they have in mind , then either accepts or declines your 'interest'. If they accept and are paid members of the site they can send you a little note along with their acceptance telling you what email id to communicate with them on. Boom! We have a connection. That is, if you are not already having second thoughts about contacting them in the first place. Finally at work, in peace I checked out some matches with keywords of my own. I always wanted to travel and live in an exotic place, that became one of starting point of my keyword search - France, Italy, Switzerland. I also looked for people with non-conventional, interesting professions - pilots, merchant navy and of course from the adventurous world of advertising. I expressed my interest to guys I thought sounded a little promising and waited. The early responses my profile got were a little disappointing - a balding paediatrician, customer support professional from Bahrain itself and nasty looking businessman from Hyderabad. These were people whom my profile had attracted on its own. WHOA! I didn’t log on for a couple of days after that. Till a few days back when my yahoo messenger told me I had one unread email. It was from the Shaadi tea, informing me that Mr. coolguy had accepted my interest but of course as a member who still hadn’t paid for the services of the website, I could do nothing except wait. I wasn’t about to spend $55 in some thing I didn’t believe in - yet. And then, just yesterday, I got a message in the inbox of the website. Some one who I had expressed interest in, had accepted it, with a little note. The note contained his email address and even his mobile number. I sent him a mail and was surprised to receive a reply within the hour. We got on to yahoo chat and spent the next couple of hours chatting. It was hesitant at first ( I am a little shy while talking to strangers) but slowly a rapport was built with funny repartees flying, back and forth. It was then I realised fears are easy to throw away once you put them in their proper perspective. If you analyse them, you'll often find that they're really silly and immaterial, and the vast majority don’t even exist outside your mind. So I have little to lose and lot to gain, maybe a budding romance or maybe just a new friend. Either way, my mind is open to all the wonderful possibilities. What ever happens next, I’ll keep you posted.
P.S: For someone who hasn’t even had a pen pal, shaadi .com is a big leap of faith.
To someone not acquainted with the way the whole arranged marriage thing works in India, firstly, you need to have an idea of the caste system is all about. Secondly ,the Indian culture.
Since time immemorial, the caste system divides the entire hindu community into 4 basic groups – The warriors or Kshatriya/Rajputs , the high preists- Brahmins , the traders – Baniyas and the untouchables – or shudras. The kings in the earlier days used to belong to the warrior caste and occupied the top position, till the priests made God and communication with god their sole property and switched to t he number 1 spot. And so over the years the fight between who is no.1 and who is no.2 hasn’t resulted in any concrete result. In these castes there are about 20 –25 subcastes , some divided on the basis of our forefathers vocation 20 – 25 years back – intercaste marriages Here is how it works. Using the keywords you wade through the mass of men who fit your criteria. If you check the box for photos, you are faced with a sea of mug shots to choose from. This is where first impressions count. Click on a slightly interesting photograph, read the profile, if you like what you see, check a little box at the bottom that asks you if you would like to send your 'interest' to the person. The person checks his/her email, see your name, check your profile, sees if you fit what they have in mind , then either accepts or declines your 'interest'. If they accept and are paid members of the site they can send you a little note along with their acceptance telling you what email id to communicate with them on. Boom! We have a connection. That is, if you are not already having second thoughts about contacting them in the first place. Finally at work, in peace I checked out some matches with keywords of my own. I always wanted to travel and live in an exotic place, that became one of starting point of my keyword search - France, Italy, Switzerland. I also looked for people with non-conventional, interesting professions - pilots, merchant navy and of course from the adventurous world of advertising. I expressed my interest to guys I thought sounded a little promising and waited. The early responses my profile got were a little disappointing - a balding paediatrician, customer support professional from Bahrain itself and nasty looking businessman from Hyderabad. These were people whom my profile had attracted on its own. WHOA! I didn’t log on for a couple of days after that. Till a few days back when my yahoo messenger told me I had one unread email. It was from the Shaadi tea, informing me that Mr. coolguy had accepted my interest but of course as a member who still hadn’t paid for the services of the website, I could do nothing except wait. I wasn’t about to spend $55 in some thing I didn’t believe in - yet. And then, just yesterday, I got a message in the inbox of the website. Some one who I had expressed interest in, had accepted it, with a little note. The note contained his email address and even his mobile number. I sent him a mail and was surprised to receive a reply within the hour. We got on to yahoo chat and spent the next couple of hours chatting. It was hesitant at first ( I am a little shy while talking to strangers) but slowly a rapport was built with funny repartees flying, back and forth. It was then I realised fears are easy to throw away once you put them in their proper perspective. If you analyse them, you'll often find that they're really silly and immaterial, and the vast majority don’t even exist outside your mind. So I have little to lose and lot to gain, maybe a budding romance or maybe just a new friend. Either way, my mind is open to all the wonderful possibilities. What ever happens next, I’ll keep you posted.
P.S: For someone who hasn’t even had a pen pal, shaadi .com is a big leap of faith.
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